Category Archives: Yak Heeeeeeeeh -____-

What if…. Are you prepared?

Have you ever thought of what you will do if you suddenly find US $ 1000 Trillion in your room/bank account?

Or what if you rubbed a random bottle and suddenly a huge freaky figure pops out of it and says ‘Fee Fi Fo Fum! Thou art my master now! I shalt grant thee three wishes of thyne desire, save more wishes!”

Have you prepared yourself shall something like that happen? Well, I have. Here goes.

My plan if I found a genie in a bottle, which will grant me three wishes:

  1. I want a super indestructable virus and trojan resistant laptop with unlimited batteries and access to the internet, which has processors and RAMs 1000.000x stronger than the best supercomputer in 2011 today, with 1 Trillion Terrabyte hard disk space.
  2. I want that laptop to have an only-accessible-by-me program which can access anybody’s mind including subconcious mind –living or dead, and access any information including asking anything at all which that person may know conciously or stored subconciously.
  3. Since asking for more wishes is forbidden, I will ask for 100 more genies.

 

My plan if I randomly found US $ 1000 Trillion in my room/bank account:

  1. Make sure I can actually legally own it
  2. Sujud Syukur
  3. I will hire a special squad of 30 body guards. Half of those will be professional veteran mercenaries guarding me out in the open, the other half will be traditional japanese ninjas (if they do indeed exist today LoL). The mercenaries will not know of the ninjas, but I can not imagine the ninjas not knowing of the mercenaries. Perhaps I should alocate US$ 10 Trillion to be put in deposit, and the interest I get is enough to pay them?
  4. I will split half the remaining funds in two big trust funds.
  5. The first half (US$ 495 Trillion) will be put in a trust fund, which its profits will be used to pay all of our judges (supreme, constitutional, ad-hoc, judges of all kinds of court we have), and demand that they do not take any more bribes both in conduct of trials and recruitment. This is in hope that the law system is as close to bribe-proof as possible so that justice can actually be upheld in its truest meaning.
  6. I really pray that I do not abuse such actions as to fulfil my personal satisfaction
  7. If any amount left, it will be alocated to pay off our national debt as much as it can afford
  8. The second half (US$ 495 Trillion) will be split again into more alocations, which I will call “sub splits”
  9. The first sub-split (US$ 95 Trillion) will be put in a trust fund also, which its profits would be for me, my wife and passed on under islamic inheritance law under Hazairin’s interpretation (the latter would be after I die, of course).
  10. The second sub-split (US$ 100 Trillion) will also be in a trust fund, which its profit would be for my family which is not covered in point 9.
  11. The third sub-split (US$ 100 Trillion) will be in a trust fund, for education purposes.  Specifically to create a better moral and substantive curriculum for our early-senior education students, with 20 researchers (half of them Indonesian best scholars in education sciences and psychology and related subjects, the others should be from european countries. It should be chaired by someone from Europe). Also, it will alocate 10% of profits for research grants and scholarships.
  12. The fourth sub-split (US$ 100 Trillion) will be in a trust fund, which its profits will be alocated for upgrading my university (Universitas Gadjah Mada) into a much better one. A panel to advise, review and supervise this program must be appointed, and they should be recruited from former/current directors of top world ranking universities.
  13. The fourth sub-split (US$ 100 Trillion) will be in a trust fund for the development of Debating, Model United Nations, and International format Moot Courts in Indonesia. It will be used for dissemination, proliferation, research and development of training methods, and annual events which will start from provincial, to national, and then international level events.
  14. I will live as a lawyer to advocate social justice and welfare. And when I get my Ph.D from Oxford University, I will lecture for free (if I indeed have free time, that is).
  15. I definitely will want to go to Hajj, take my wife and parents too (together or sepparately), along with as many random people as I can take if they want to go for Hajj too.

 

Thus concludes my plan shall those impossible scenarios ever happen. Not that it will, but its just fun to imagine and when Im done imagining I will go “Darn its not real!”

Distant Past: My Worst Bahasa Indonesia Teacher

This was a story of a distant past. Revised in delivery, but story is the same.

This was a story during my highschool years in SMA Labschool Jakarta.

At that time, Bahasa Indonesia was on 11:45-12:30 (cut by the second break time), and continued 13:15-14:00. I can not remember what day it was: I somehow worn a batik in my imagination (making it thursday) but I can not be too sure.

One fine day, the task was to make a book summary. We were given some guidelines, and were let go to the library to find books and given a week to complete it.

I had no interest in reading any new books at that time, especially when I knew I could make a summary of any volume of Harry Potter (there was up to the Order of Phoenix that year) because I can recall the story completely out of heart.

I asked the teacher whether I could use a fiction book which can not be found in the library, which she responded with a “yes”. Then I asked further, which this point onwards would be the point of this story.

I wondered. While the due was the following week, what if I finish the whole assignment right away after the breaktime? She said that it would be great and would deserve extra marks.

Then, I did. Not only for the extra marks, but I simply can do it and can not promise I wont forget it over such an extensively excessive length of due. Unless I was very much mistaken, I did the first book of Harry Potter (and the Philosopher’s Stone) with view that time that it sounds quite funny to review not from the start. I spent my break time not for lunch, not even for prayer, but to make that assignment. I managed to finish it just around when the class starts again.

Enthusiastic, I submitted my work to the teacher. Guess what did she say?

It was plagiarism. Grounds? Apparently, according to her, it was impossible for me to finish a summary which turns out to be really good (in terms of use of words, re-narration skills and something else i cant remember), and was thus too good to be true for someone like me to make something like that.

I, at that time, was a celebrated veteran of the debating society of my school and in fact I was the president. One would accept me to fight back and demand my rights.

I could have reported to the headmaster, and demanded her to prove from where did I copy my work -I did it in school hours, if I copied it then it certainly would be from the library as we didnt have internet at school back then. She must accuse me with a basis before acting. And I am very much more than prepared to retell the whole story of Harry Potter from the first to the fifth book to prove that I am capable.

But I just cant believe what she just said. I was struck dumb, so disappointed that I still wondered whether I heard it right. For a few seconds, I could not bring myself to believe she actually said that to my face. I was speechless and chose not to do anything, I just could not bring myself to do anything.

———————————————————————

This happened over 10 years ago. Almost 15, actually. The first version of this article was actually written maybe 6 years ago, and this is an edit. Even at that point, I was unable to forgive.

Somehow I have managed to forgive, though. Everyone knows that “teachers are our unsung heroes” but it does take a long time for us to really fathom and internalize what this means. This is then when I managed to realize that the teacher’s sacrifice is great, and I probably owe them more than what I felt I suffered.

The previous version of this article was much more harsh and full of hate. Now I am re-editing it. It was wrong of me to be so hateful.

If it were the 6 year ago me, I would want the teacher to read my blog. Read the blog, read also the Academic Profile page to see links to my published works. See what I have become. I am a quite accomplished author for someone my age. But I guess the teacher may not remember what has happened.

But this is a note to myself, as I am myself a teacher now. I really must be careful, because what I say might affect them badly. Lesson learned.

My Best Pet Award

What are the characteristics of my ideal pet?

1.  Can be hugged, one way or another

2. Is cute, and can be very aware how cute he/she is

3. Can find itself something to eat

4. Can help me win a “ride-your-pet” race

5. Good in playing “Fetch”

6. Can defend me against debt collectors

7. Can, perhaps, help me become a debt collector.

8. I can ride on together with my girlfriend

9. Can be a real party cracker

10. Loves children

11. Loves the owner

12. Loyal to its mate

13. Can share the same meal with its owner

14. Old enough to have extensive experiences to share

Aaaaaand the winner is…..

Ladies and Gentlemen.

Meet “Rexie”

 

Lagi mimi

 

 

 

nGui

Fajri vs Penjual

Saya sudah menjalani banyak kejadian konyol dalam hidup ini. Mungkin saya yang beraura konyol, atau memang Allah SWT begitu cinta pada saya sehingga banyak dikasih ujian. InsyaAllah minimal adalah yang kedua :p

Tapi ya, among those all stupidities, ada beberapa insiden yang terkait saya dan penjual (termasuk kasir, waiter restoran, dan lain sebagainya). Diantaranya adalah sebagai berikut:

………………………………………………………

1. Pizza Affair

Sekitar 3 tahun yang lalu, saya bersama teman saya Adit makan di sebuah restoran penjual Pizza Ambarukmo Plaza. Kami pesan paket pizza untuk berempat, untuk dimakan berdua.

Sesuai prosedur, waitress mengatakan “ditunggu Pizzanya lima belas menit, kalau ada tambahan bisa panggil saya *****” entah siapa namanya, saya lupa.

Tapi baru dia balik badan separuh dan belum melangkah pergi, waitress tersebut kembali menghadap ke kami dan bertanya.

Waitress: “Masnya pesan menu berempat?”

Saya: “Iya”

Waitress: “Masnya.. Berdua aja?”

Saya: “iya”

Waitress: *cekikik sedikit*, “ditunggu ya mas”

Saya: “ngeluarin AK-47

……………………………………………………………………..

2. Salmon Affair

Lokasi di sebuah restoran yang keren di Solo, di mana orang pribumi cuma saya, ibu saya, dan para pelayan.

Saya pesan Pink Salmon Steak, dan saya sangat cerewet kalo udah soal ini. Saya minta khusus cara masaknya, lama grillnya dan lain sebagainya. Masalahnya harganya itu lebih seratus ribu, awas aja kalo sampe nggak sesuai selera saya.

Saat datang salmon itu, komentar saya: “SubhanAllah”

luar biasa tidak cuma hiasannya, yang memang cantik. Tapi potongan Salmonnya besar sekali, dan masaknya sesuai dengan keinginan saya. Sebagai condiment ada french fries, semacam sayuran yang entah apa namanya, mentega yang dibentuk kriwil2 tapi enaaaaaaak banget, and this crispy thing yang dibentuk kayak menara.

My principle was to save the best for last. Jadi semua condimentnya udah saya makan duluan. Pelan pelan, karena sambil ngobrol sama mamaP (and was Jura there, mom?). Nah waktu semua condiments udah hampir habis, menyisakan satu atau dua batang french fries sebelum saya akan masuk ke hidangan utama, tiba-tiba datang seorang waitress.

“Ini boleh saya angkat mas?” dan piring saya udah dipegang.

Ini orang ngajak ribut ya? Saya udah cerewet request special cooking buat tuh Salmon, dan dari seratus ribu rupiah lebih harganya itu ya yang mahal kan salmonnya! Sampe speechless saya, dan mata sudah mengeluarkan aura membunuh.

Untung waitress itu akhirnya menyadari kesalahannya lalu pergi. Ini orang hebat sih inisiatifnya, sayangnya sedikit lagi itu bisa dibayar nyawa -____________________-

—————————————————————————————————-

3. Barbeque Affair

Waktu saya SD, ada sebuah kantin khusus SD yang baru dibangun saat saya kelas 3-4 (lupa persisnya. dan YA, saya pernah SD).

Salah satu penjual di sana (yang sampai 2010 saya datang masih ada!) ada yang jual burger, nugget dan teman2nya seperti itulah. Waktu awal jualan, dia punya berbagai macam saus. Kan saya tanya-tanya dulu. Ada yang Mayonaise, ada yang Saus Tomat, ada yang Sambal.

Nah botol terakhir, sausnya berwarna coklat gelap. Apakah ini adalah saus Barbeque? Ya saya tanya.

Saya: Ini saus apa mas?

Penjual: Ini brabekwe mas.

Saya: *mikir* Maksudnya Bar-Be-Kyu? *mencoba mempronounce dengan benar, sekaligus membantu mendidik*

Penjual: Bukan mas, ini Brabekwe.

Saya: oh okay,

lalu saya pulang dengan merenungkan kembali, jangan-jangan selama saya 5 tahun hidup di inggris saya belajar hal yang salah?

…………………………………………………………………………………..

4. Rp 8200 Affair

Lokasi, DIY, di sebuah toko di seberang Dinas Pendidikan Kota Jogjakarta. Karena Meganusa Cakrabirawa Simamora gak muncul-muncul, belanjalah saya. Beli minum, korek kuping, sama tisu. Berikut percakapan di kasir:

Kasir: 8200 rupiah mas

Saya: oke

*merogoh kantong samping, menyerahkan Rp 200*

Saya: ini 200-nya

*merogoh kantong belakang, baru mengeluarkan dompet, keburu ditegor*

Kasir: Mas, maaf ini kurang 8000

Ini orang matematikanya hebat bener ya, dikira nenek saya nggak bisa ngitung -____-

——————————————————————————-

Yah demikianlah sementara kasus Fajri vs Penjual, maybe more will come up.

Tapi sebelum saya tutup, suddenly teringat sesuatu. Waktu itu saya pingin nyari tau Jalan Bantul itu di mana. Lalu saya tanya kepada Awul Minyi pacar saya tercinta (next week we’ll meet ^_^). Berikut penjelasannya.

Awul: Tau Jalan Parang Tritis dimana gak?

Saya: Oh, itu aku tau

*menyimak*

Awul: Jalan Bantul bukan di sana.